Allow Yourself To Be Happy
by GreenEyedUnicorn
Summary: Jake gets his chance. Edward leaves Bella some very specific instructions. Setting is woven into New Moon.


Author's Note: Ok, so I had the idea for this a while ago and wanted to see if anyone would like it. I want to continue but i want to see what you all think of it first. Basically it's a different kind of New Moon in which Edward cannot come back, and Jake gets his chance. Tell me what you think.

Chapter One: Damnit! He Promised!

Anger welled up inside me as I starred into the reflection of my empty eyes in the mirror in my bathroom. That seemed to be the only emotion I had these days. Lately I had only two modes; anger and numbness. The numbness was all consuming and constant, but every now and then this anger, this blind rage, would burst to the forefront of my stoic façade, just as it did now. _He promised! He promised he would never leave me! Damn it! I hate him! I hate his stupid shiny silver Volvo driving, piano playing, crooked smiling, girl dazzling, cold Vampire guts! _I screamed, "I HATE HIM!! GOD HE PROMISED NOT TO LEAVE ME!! FUCK!!" My voice got smaller as I sank to the bathroom floor, "he promised."

I sat against the side of the bathtub as a fresh wave of grief washed over me. The hole in my chest throbbed. I had no more tears to cry, but my whole body lurched as the lack of tears caused me to dry heave. I tried to pull back into my cocoon of numbness but I couldn't do it quickly enough. There was a knock on the half open bathroom door and Charlie stepped in. He had the same worried, hopeless, fatherly look on his face that he had worn for the last week. He couldn't do anything to help me and it was driving him insane. He wore his old grey suit that was well worn but still nice, with a black tie and black dress shoes. He cleaned up really well. He had been carrying his jacket, getting ready to put it on when he heard my scream. As he stood in the doorway and saw me, it dropped from his grasp.

"Bella…" he said sadly. I looked up at him with red puffy eyes, my arms still hugging my ribs. Quickly and quietly Charlie stepped into the bathroom and sank to the ground wrapping his long, strong arms around me. I was momentarily surprised. Showing affection wasn't something Charlie did very often. I guess it was different today. Awkwardness was far from his mind. I let him pull me into him and I rested my head against his chest. I could hear the strangled quality to his voice that proved he himself was fighting back sadness, as he whispered, "I'm sorry baby girl. I wish I could make the pain stop. I'm so sorry." That did it. From somewhere I thought was dry as a desert, liquid was produced and tears began to leak silently from under my closed lids. I took a breath and quietly croaked back, "I love you, Daddy."

We sat there in silence for ten minutes. Both our backs rested against the bathtub, my father's arms holding me as I tried to gain control over my grief. When my tears finally ceased and I was able to breath, Charlie spoke softly, "we should go, Bells. The service starts at 11 and Carlisle said to come a little bit early." I sat up stiffly and nodded. I didn't trust myself to respond, I wasn't sure if my numb shell was back in place yet, instead I stared at his nice white shirt that was now wet with my tears and said softly, "I got your shirt all wet, you should go change that." Charlie nodded and stood up before bending back over and pulling me to my feet. As I stood and faced him not meeting his eyes I felt his hands on my shoulders. "Look at me Bella," he said softly. I did as I was told, my big brown eyes met his clear blue ones, and I could see the love of a father shining from them, "I know it doesn't feel like it now, I know that at the moment, the world seems a horrible and cruel place, like nothing will ever be right again. But I promise you, everything _is_ going to be ok." He was wrong of course; nothing would ever be ok ever again. But it was sweet of him to try. I nodded but said nothing. Charlie having felt like his point was made picked up his fallen jacket and stepped out of the bathroom to go change his soiled shirt.

I took a deep breath and glanced in the mirror. I was mess. My long brown hair was tangled, the mascara I had brushed onto my eyelashes had washed off and streaked down my cheeks, subsequently ruining the cover-up I had applied in hopes of hiding the blotchiness from my continuous crying, and my black dress was wrinkled. I washed my face off and decided against reapplying the mascara, it would simply come off again when the next wave of tears hit. Instead I used some liquid foundation Alice had bought me and then forced me to take. It covered the blotches well. I ran my brush through my hair a few times and then tried to smooth out the wrinkles of my dress. I looked a little bit better. My eyes were still lifeless, my face way too pale (even for me), and I was unable to smile to save my life, but all in all, I suppose I looked presentable. I switched the light off in the bathroom and made my way to my bedroom. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the box lying on my bed. I had forgotten I had been looking through it and crying earlier this morning when I couldn't sleep. Some of the pictures were scattered on top of my rumpled bedspread and I avoided looking in their direction as best as I could. I would not be able to handle the actual sight of the pictures, even though I had their every dimension of light and color memorized. As fast as I could I slipped on my black satin ballet flats and pulled on my favorite blue sweater. Then I grabbed my purse and my nice coat and bolted out of the room before my eyes drifted back to my bed.

I met my father downstairs in the living room. "You look nice, Bella," Charlie said politely. I didn't respond, well, I couldn't respond. I simply pulled my coat on and headed for the front door. We were half way to the car when I realized I had forgotten the one thing I needed more than anything. "Dad!" I said, urgency ringing through my voice, "I forgot something, I need the keys!" My father looked up from where he was unlocking the cruiser's driver's door with a knowing look in his eyes. He knew what I had forgotten. Silently, he tossed me his set of keys so I could run back inside. I was in such a panic at the thought that I nearly left it at home, that I was too preoccupied to be clumsy. Instead I caught the keys lightly in my grasp and sprinted towards the house.

I rushed inside and raced up to my room. There it was. Lying on the foot of my bed, crumpled from anger and stained from tears, was the last connection I had to him. It was a letter. Albeit, a rather short one, scribbled in a hurry to say all that needed to be said, and written on hotel paper. But it was mine, and it was from him. I snatched it up and held it to my chest, fighting the stinging, liquidy sensation in my eyes. Incredibly carefully, so as not to damage the valued piece of paper further, I folded it up and placed it in my coat packet, feeling warmth and comfort spread through me that was impossibly caused by the knowledge that it was in my possession once again. Again avoiding the pictures lying on my bed I spun around and was out of the house in 30 seconds flat. Charlie sat patiently in the cruiser waiting for my return.

I took a deep breath as we pulled out of the driveway and headed into town towards the small church of Forks. Today was going to the longest day of my life.

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The service was small and short. The only people in attendance were my father and I, a few brave people from the school such as Mike and Angela (they were more here for me), and the Cullen family, minus one of course. I stared mutely at the stained glass window as the preacher repeated words he had probably said ten hundred times before. They were words of sorrow and of hope. Words of love and prayer; but I wasn't listening. I was thinking back to the week before; to the worst day of my life. I had thought the day he left me was bad. I had thought they day he told me I meant nothing to him was the worst I could experience. I thought the past weeks without him by my side were the closest I could get to hell in this lifetime. Holy crap was I wrong. I remembered the day so clearly, and I knew I always would. I had stayed in my room for a week after Sam Uley had found me in the forest. I didn't eat, I barely slept, I just sat and stared out my open window, waiting, ineffectively hoping he would jump through and I would wake up from this nightmare if only I waited just a little bit longer.

:-: FLASHBACK :-:

After that first week I went back to school and work in a daze. I was numb and nothing had broken through that; yet. I had come home from another awful, uneventful day at school and was beginning to make dinner when a knock sounded at the front door. I shuffled to the front door and opened it without bothering to look who it was. Charlie would have been appalled if he had been there. He always taught me to NEVER open the door before you knew who it was, it could be an axe murderer, a rapist, or worse a pushy salesman. If I had been in any condition I probably would have laughed at the fact that what was standing at the door was probably more dangerous than all of those put together. But at that time I wasn't really thinking clearly. When I opened the door to find a short, spiky-haired vampire standing before me looking like she wanted to cry and laugh and scream all at the same time, I couldn't do anything but blink. I couldn't react, that is, until she spoke.

"Hey Bella." Alice's voice was much smaller and calmer than I remembered it, and her golden eyes seemed much more hollow and empty than I would have assumed, but I didn't really care. Once I registered who was standing in front of me and that she was indeed tangible and not a figment of my imagination, relief broke in through my numb shell. I grabbed her and hugged her so hard, that if she had been human, I probably would have broken her rib cage.

"Alice!" I all but whispered. My voice was hoarse and strangled with tears that were beginning to sting my eyes. "Alice!"

"Bella!" She dry sobbed back, hugging me as tight as she could get away with without hurting me. "Oh Bella, I'm so sorry!" That was when I noticed that while my sobs were those of joy and relief that she was not just some beautiful dream, her dry, body-wracking vampire sobs were full of pain and grief. They were tears of desperation and as I realized this the relief I had felt a minute before was washed away by fear. I pulled back and eyed her warily, she had not stopped her cries and looked so weak and fragile in my arms, it unnerved me to the point of panic.

"Alice!" I gasped as I shook her small body a bit trying to get her to stop being so sad and go back to being my happy carefree Alice, "Alice, what happened? What happened?" My voice was sharp and commanding as a pulled her all the way into the house and dragged her to the living room. "Tell me!" I nearly bellowed as I flung her down on the couch. She finally stopped crying but was still breathing heavy unnecessary gusts of air. She looked up at me and I saw clearly the pain in her eyes then, and it terrified me more that anything. Funny that the first time I should be afraid if one of these beautiful dangerous Cullens it is because of their sorrow and not their power. She blinked once and pulled something out of her pocket.

"You should read this first Bella, he… he wanted you to read this first." She raised her hand slowly and in it was a small envelope, one word written in very familiar perfect handwriting on the back of it. _**Bella.**_ Slowly and fearfully I took the proffered letter from her grasp and sat down on the couch as well. I turned the envelop over twice before I worked up enough courage to open its folds and read what it said. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had stayed on that couch forever, simply staring at my name written beautifully by his steady hand, never knowing. Never having to deal with the pain that came with knowing. I hate knowing.

_**My Beloved Bella,**_

_**First you must know how truly beloved you are to me. I have loved you from the moment you first spoke to me. I have loved you with all of my heart, all of my mind, and all of my soul. As I write this letter, I feel I am forced to admit that I do indeed have a soul. That I may not be as wretched and damned as I once believed I was. The reason for this is you, of course. Because what you, and my family, have made me see, is that the amount of love I feel for you, the sheer joy I feel when I am in your presence or simply knowing I am in your thoughts has convinced me that without a soul, none of that would be possible. You are tied to my soul, dear one, for all of eternity, whether we are together during that time or not. **_

_**I must apologize for the way I left you. If I had known any other way, I would never have allowed you to believe you meant so little to me. But the reason for our journey was much different than I lead you to believe. You see the day after your birthday, Alice had a vision. Victoria was coming for you, coming to kill you to get to me. We had to head her off. I couldn't, I can't, allow her to hurt you. She has an army of crazed newborn vampires at her disposal and is heading toward Forks as I sit here on the porch of an old hotel in Hoquiam and write this. I cannot allow her to hurt you, Bella. If I survive this night you will have no reason to ever read this letter. If we destroy her, I will be back at your side by morning. I don't care how much you hate me right now for leaving; I swear I will win you back! But, if this night goes as a fear, as Alice's vision has lead me to believe it will go, than this letter may get to you after all. **_

_**Please, love. Do not blame Alice or any of my family for this outcome. It was my idea from the beginning. It was all me. My mistake, just as it will be my mistake tonight that will ultimately cause you all safety from the evil creature threatening you. Do not mourn me as I have had more than a full life. I have lived longer than any 17 year old man has a right to. And I have found my life, the love of my life, I have found you, and I have spent every second since, loving you with everything I am. My life, my existence, has been good, and I hope you remember that. Please remember that. I have existed for many moons, but you gave me back my life, and for that I am eternally grateful. Please Bella, I know you will be hurting from this, I know you will feel as if your life is over, as I would if the fates had dealt us opposite rolls, but please, after you have mourned our love and what could have been, please, allow yourself to be happy. You still have so much life left and I don't want you to waste it with thoughts of what might have been. Find someone who will help you heal, find someone who will make you smile, and laugh and enjoy your existence. Please, fall in love, get married, have a bunch of children and die a joyful, blue-haired old woman. If you don't want to do it for yourself, please, at least do it for me. I willingly leave this world allowing myself to believe you will do what I ask; it's the only way I can continue to fight for you, for us, knowing that what I fight for will continue to thrive even in my absence. So, for me, allow yourself to be happy. Thank you for your love. You have made me a better man and given me the world. You will forever be in my heart. Good-bye, my love, my Juliet. You are my life. **_

_**Forever yours, Edward. **_

:-: END FLASHBACK :-:

I looked back down over the letter that was lying open in my lap as the pain gripped me once again. After I had read the letter, twice, I looked at Alice praying that the situation the letter alluded to had not come to fruition. My hopes were in vain. My Edward was gone. Alice had then told me of how they had fought Victoria's army of newborns right outside of Seattle and had defeated what they had thought was all of them. But then a new wave of at least twenty came through the trees. The whole family was distracted as Victoria cornered Edward. He put up a valiant fight. But in the end, she and one of the more civilized newborns had gotten the upper hand. The Cullens were too late to stop the flames that engulfed their brother's body. They had then ripped Victoria into confetti and the newborn too. Edward was gone. All that was left of the beautiful man I had once loved were the ashes that rested in the urn at the front of the church.


End file.
